When I think about all the years of my life that were misspent in the retail sector, I get nauseous. I’ve asked time and again who is responsible for issuing refunds on that part of my life, but it seems I’m seven years outside the return policy. Now I’m just stuck with really bad memories and lame anecdotes, but I’m not bitter or anything. Here are some of the life-altering lessons I’ve learned from my retail experiences. I’m sharing these with all you idiots who’ve never worked retail in the hopes you might learn something.

1. Retail clerks are not licensed psychotherapists, so it’s not a good idea to call a store and tell your life history when you just need to ask a simple question like “what time do you close.” No one cares about your life. No one!
2. If you want to shop by phone, call QVC.
3. If you live four days from town and only make it in once a year, don’t announce that fact. Chances are your poor social manners and disgusting hygiene will give you away.
4. If you’ve given your child an obnoxious (read: stupid) name that matches they behavior, don’t say it out loud. It makes us laugh at you and think even more poorly of you than we already did. (Examples of such names are – and I’m not making these up: Vanity, LaQueesha, Bubba, and Billy Ray.)
5. Don’t say “well so and so told me...” in a dispute with a clerk. They don’t care what ‘so and so’ told you, and chances are you’re lying anyway.
6. Threatening to call the corporate office or sue is not intimidating in a dispute.
7. Corporate office is even more indifferent than we are. After all, we only make minimum wage.
8. If you are going to steal, make it worth your while and don’t do it at a discount store.
9. The sales clerk, no matter how educated he/she pretends to be, knows nothing about the product he/she is selling. To prove this ask: “how long have you had yours?” I tell you this because it’s taxing on us to fabricate fairy tales that sound plausible enough to sell you the product.
10. Snobby people at Foley’s don’t make anymore money than stupid people at Wal-Mart. You should let them know this.

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