The Author Writes his irks and quirks

There are many things in life that my mother didnít teach me while I was growing up. I donít begrudge her for it, but having acquired some of these talents later in life, I find them indispensible and feel the need to pass them on. Dr. Spock sure didnít write about them, and theyíve been largely ignored in parenting books. Hereís my list of things that every mother needs teach her child by age thirteen.

How to be rude. Mother always taught me to say please and thank you and to let other people go first in line. Obviously this doesnít play well in todayís cut throat environment, so iíve had to adjust to an alien environment after years of motherly training. I still say please and thank you, but itís usually in a condescending way that conveys disgust (THANK YOU for letting me wait in your line while you yacked off on the phone. Please go on. Donít let me interrupt you). To put this in perspective, mother apologizes to the grocery store clerks when she goes through their line for making them, God forbid, WORK!

How to swear. Swearing was a capital offense in motherís eyes Ė dadís too for that matter. But letting out a string of expletives after some mother$%@!#* cuts you off in traffic sure is a relief. Itís also pretty harmless. I mean Iíll bet God even let one slip when He made the mistake of creating temptation with that whole tree of good and evil thing. It spawned that Fox series Temptation Island, and even God would say that show is sh*t! So swearing isnít such a bad thing.

Eat your vegetables, theyíll make you big and strong. Obviously she was feeding me a line here (pun intended). Iíve been away from home for five years now and rarely eat vegetables. The only ďstrongĒ thing about them is the overwhelming urge I have to vomit when i consume them. Especially when itís broccoli. Let junior eat cheeze puffs for dinner if he wants.

ďIíll tell you later.Ē That was a comdom described to me, age 8. And Iím still waiting on that explanation. They looked like balloons to me, and for the longest time I wondered sheíd need them in the nightstand beside her bed. She also should have told me theyíd be powdery when inflated. I wonder what she thought when she found it behind the dresser? If sheíd raised me right, the teachers at school would have been so impressed when I used the word ďprophylacticĒ in context.

Santa Claus isnít real. Was I the only kid in third grade that thought that there was some fat man in a red suit who broke into our house in the middle of the night to leave gifts, and then argued that he was real when someone pointed out the obvious? Okay he was fun and all when I was three, but by age five a kid should know that the Easter bunny, the tooth fairy (a tooth fairy for christsakes!), Santa Claus and monsters arenít real. I was actually told the boogey man would beat me to bed if i didnít go when i was told. WTF!?

Whatís a Goober? Goobers are peanuts. A ninny is a simpleton. Neither should be used to describe certain anatomical parts of the body. EVER!

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