JW,

In this tangled and ever-changing world in which we live, there are certain constants that remind us that we often cave to stress and undue hardships prematurely, that we don’t give our all in attempting to be our best in all situations. Furthermore, there are those with the inborn ability and charisma to motivate and inspire others, a natural born leader that stands a head above others and is a source of great inspiration. These characteristics are far and few between, and when such a person graces our midst, we emulate their behavior in hopes that we can someday be looked upon with the same manner of respect. Knowing your self-absorbed personality type, I’m sure you regard yourself as perched atop this glittering throne of adjectives, but sadly, you’re mistaken.

In toppling your self-misconceptions, let’s examine for a moment the magical qualities embodied by your personality type. This ought to be an enlightening journey for you, as I’m sure you’ve never pointed that high-strung scope of intellectual power on yourself. Casting aside the glittering and educated adjectives used so liberally a moment ago, I’m going to cleave to brevity (a word that has eluded you in a manner you can’t begin to comprehend), and settle on my favorite descriptive word of you: jackass. It’s nothing polished or refined, but it conveys the point well. Since your verbosity has giving you a reputation for emanating verbal flatulence every time you open your mouth, I thought I’d settle on something simple for the purposes of this letter. It should keep it to the point and not let me runaway with SAT words, which may or may not be unfamiliar to you. So next time someone asks you the one word you’d use to describe yourself, you can say “jackass” and they’ll all know what you mean. But enough with that and on with the show.

Now I know you must be nodding your head and those ever-present veins that bulge when you work your emaciated frame into a frenzied state of excitement must really be pulsating (not to mention you’ve probably had a brain embolism at this point). But simmer down and read on. This is my attempt to offer you sound advice that will prevent you from making a complete ass of yourself at your new store. Lord knows you will look back at this one as “the golden store” and cause an endless amount of eye-rolling every time you mention it. But anyway, my solutions are three:

1. Next time you ride to the top at the expense of others, consider there are some who are intelligent enough to recognize your game and what it’s all about. Your “keen” sense of enthusiasm is nothing more than a slick façade that fails miserably and your effervescent personality would seem to indicate you’ll have a coronary at 40, but the world won’t miss you so battle on. Personally I haven’t decided if you are going to explode or keel over, but that’s a different story.
2. Enough with the delusion you are the most intelligent person on earth and that you can use words and quotes that will befuddle others. I’ve seen you stumble so often, mostly over your own verbal static, that it’s a wonder you’ve made it this far without serious injury to your person. I know few people who use “UH” as a two-letter comma, but you’ve managed to elevate it to an art form. Again, battle on.
3. Two words: Right Guard.

Hopefully this letter has proven to be somewhat enlightening for you, but I’m sure my overly direct sense of candor has led you to believe it is an insult on your character rather than the epiphany it is meant to bring about. But that’s your choice and I can’t do much to persuade you to see it otherwise. So be it. In closing, I’d like to wish you the best of luck and convey my enthusiasm in regards to your long overdue departure.

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