The Author Writes his irks and quirks

So after working seven years in the private sector of customer service, Iíve finally found myself thrust into the public sector. To say the experience is radically different from my retail travails would be a masterpiece of understatement. Where I was once overwhelmed by the indifference of humanity towards me, Iím now fortunate in that Iíve found a job where I can redirect all those years of negativity back towards you, the public. Here are a few rules you should keep in mind when dealing with me.

  1. My job is to help as few customers as possible in the longest period of time possible.
  2. If it becomes necessary to speak to me, do so in hushed quiet tones and act as if you are bothering me (you probably are).
  3. Iím not like a clerk at Target, or McDonaldís, or any other retailer for that matter. I am the one who is always right.
  4. Iím not here so much to help you insomuch as i am to get a pay check at the taxpayers expense. That means if you are ever unsure about whether or not Iím right, you are always wrong.
  5. If I seem rude when I speak to you, consider yourself fortunate. Youíre really lucky that I even spoke or otherwise acknowledged that you exist.
  6. If you find it necessary to scream at me, Iíll scream back.
  7. If you swear at me, Iíll have you removed from my sight.
  8. If you must drag any of your contraceptive mishaps along with you while you are transacting business with me, leave them in an unventilated car for the duration of the time I am working to assist you (this is especially recommended during summer months).
  9. Whatever excuse you are about to give me Iíve heard it before, so donít.
  10. Sighing loudly and speaking to other people about how slow/rude I am will not make me go faster. If there is any doubt about this, re-read rule number one.

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